Escaping the Past and Avoiding the Future

I've received a smattering of correspondences lately from individuals that are either terrified of their future or angry about their past.  It's an irresistible trap, but a trap nonetheless.   All these thoughts are good for is to serve the egoic mind, creating fuel for an illusion.

"To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation."

         - Eckhart Tolle, Practicing The Power of Now

Being trapped in time...  That's a huge issue where personal finance is concerned.  It's a trap that not only damages our relationship with money but also prevents us from living our best lives because we aren't paying any attention to it.  Our lives are happening right now.  While that might sound obvious, it's a thought worthy of attention.  Our lives are happening right now and we need to be present for it.

One woman expressed to me that she was experiencing a lot of negative emotions around a choice she had recently made with her money.  She allowed herself to spend a large sum of money, in a nonrefundable manner and was plagued with guilt, remorse, and self-loathing over the situation.  There was a moment when she realized what the result of her past behavior had created, and she very quickly reached out to me.  I could feel the emotion pouring from her as though we were sharing a moment in a confessional.  I'm still uncertain as to whether she was looking to be absolved or punished, neither of which I had the power to offer her.  She knew she never wanted to feel that way again. So, I invited her to consider "What does this inspire you to do?" She told me that this situation made her want to save money.  I asked her if there was anything else.  She offered that she wanted to open a CD (certificate of deposit) for a chunk of her savings so that it would be "locked up" so to speak.  She wanted to make it a little more difficult for herself to get at, but not impossible in a true emergency.  

This is what it looks like to reach for the better feeling, while simultaneously getting out of the mind-time trap.  This woman's mind was tricking her into living and reliving through memory, but that moment is gone.  The money was already spent.  The only value in reliving this memory was extremely temporary; the value lied in allowing her the opportunity to identify that she didn't care to repeat that feeling, nor the action that leads her to it.  From that moment of recognition, it is absolutely imperative to re-engage with the present moment.  Asking yourself  "What does this inspire me to do right now?" feels significantly better and more empowering.  There's no power in living in the past because we cannot take action there.  We cannot alter those past moments.  We can only use them to inspire our current actions.

The second person that I encountered this week had a related but opposing issue.  She is very much concerned with her future.  She is riddled with anxiety over her future retirement, as she is certain that she doesn't have enough.  The scarcity mindset that she is suffering from has left her all but paralyzed.  It is as if she's been zapped by a taser and rendered unable to move.  Furthermore, she is unhappy with where life is currently, and has projected this misery upon her future.  It seems that she has allowed her mind to trap her into a cycle of projection into the future, as she anticipates unhappiness from now until always.

It can be incredibly powerful to allow the mind to wander a bit to the future in order to try on the idea of an experience we might want.  In this way, it could inspire a current action, which can set us in alignment with that desired outcome.  However, it is dangerous to spend our present moment living in anticipation of the future, especially when it leads to ignoring the present.  This woman is largely unwilling to act.  It seems as though she is petrified of the outcome being exactly as she expects it (and she expects it to be miserable), but in the process of taking no action, it seems that she has taken an action.  No action is action, and it is an action that is unlikely to yield a desirable result.  You see, every day that she wakes up unhappy, and takes no action, is a day she continues in the flow of misery.  Now, why would you do that?  Well, the answer is that you wouldn't.  Not intentionally anyway.  She doesn't realize that she's playing into the mind's little trap.  

So, how do we get out of it?  There are a couple of different things happening here.  First, she's living largely in anticipation of the future (negatively at that).  Secondly, she is unhappy with the present (her employment actually).  Finally, she's afraid to take action.  As we've discussed, no action is action.  The reason someone would take no action is largely fear-based.  If the expectation is that the outcome of said action would be equal to or greater than the current level of misery, then the mind tells us not to bother.  The first thing that needs to happen is we need to delete the file in our brain that is labeled "the future."  The mind has assigned a series of fears to this file called "future" and is replaying that file over and over again.  Just delete it.  What we have is now.  

Now let's visit that now.  In the present moment, she is unhappy with work and concerned with her financial picture, feeling ill-prepared for retirement.  In these instances, I like to play "I would feel really good if."  She would feel really good if her work-life felt pleasant.  She would also feel really good if she was able to save a certain amount of money on a monthly basis."  So, how can we make those things flow?  What can she do that will make work more pleasant?  Are there some adjustments in this current job that would make it a positive situation?  Would it feel better to be employed elsewhere?  This is where the individual emotional compass comes it.  She might need to "try on" these ideas to determine what action feels inspired (or another option).  

The second desire was "it would feel really good to be able to save a certain dollar amount each month."  The word "able" jumped out at me.  What would make that situation flow?  Is there something that makes her "unable" to do this?  As it turns out her expenses are too high compared to her income to hit the saving target she has in mind.  Does this relate to the previous employment issue?  A different job perhaps?  A side gig?  Start a business?  On the expense side, are there a series of small expenses that could be trimmed that really add up?  Downsize to a smaller home?  Downsize from two cars to one?  It's important to brainstorm ideas that could actually be done in the present moment, and then "try them on" waiting for one of them to feel inspired.  You will know!  We always know when we're inspired to take an action.

There can be value in glancing at the past or to the future, as they can help us to determine what we want.  However, our best lives are built on a foundation we're inspired to lay right now.

Using Surrender to Move Forward

In last week's article, we discussed accepting the circumstances surrounding our current situation while
maintaining our identities as being separate from those circumstances.  We explored how to recognize the feelings of "being stuck" and how to utilize inspired action to mobilize from that place.  There is so much happening in our current environment lending itself to that feeling that it warrants further exploration.

In my daily life, there are practices that I maintain in order to take care of my being: exercise, meditation, reading, and reflecting.  While I may not complete all four of these items each day, I find that when I do most of these things, I find myself in a state of flow more easily.  Recently, I've been reading a couple of books, one of which is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  I am in the final pages of the book, and he is talking about the idea of surrender.  He states that "Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life."  There are words in this sentence that stand out to me: surrender, yielding, and opposing.  The word surrender seems a bit misunderstood at times.  It seems that we perhaps misinterpret it to mean that we are simply giving up on moving forward with something, and yet when I look this word up in the dictionary, it provides a definition as being "to cease resistance."  Generally, if we are in a state of resistance to some circumstance, we are giving entirely too much of our life's energy to something in which we do not want.  To use a popular Abraham Hicks metaphor, that sounds a lot like "swimming upstream."  Eckhart Tolle goes on to suggest that "to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation." One word that stands out to me is "moment."  Again, we've discussed this idea before, but it bears repeating.  A moment is literally the circumstance that is happening in the now.  If we guard our thoughts carefully, we can take care not to give that circumstance a past or a future, and thus we avoid wrapping our identity in something that is simply one tiny blip on the timeline of our lives.  Perhaps the great question is, how can we surrender to our current financial circumstance and allow that to flow into an inspired action that fulfills our desires for the future?

Identify the Financial Condition

There is a financial condition that we've been experiencing over the past several months (the span of Covid-19).  The condition is that our tenants have been unable to pay the rent roughly half of the months since March.  

How to Surrender to the Condition

This isn't the most pleasant condition to be experiencing.  I mean, no one gets into the rental real estate business to not receive payments.  It's okay to allow yourself a moment to recognize that this condition exists in this moment, and that it's not pleasant.  Watch your feelings.  It's okay to notice them.  Do not allow the mind to identify with the feelings that popped up in that moment.  The moment you allow your mind to connect your identity to the emotion you felt temporarily, you have given power to that emotion and to the condition itself; in doing this you give it a future.  If surrendering means to "accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation," then we must accept that we experience both the situation and the emotion in that exact moment.  Notice, how it doesn't say that you accept the current situation as being from now until forever. That last line was peculiar, wasn't it?  But that's often the way that we operate.  A situation arises at this moment and it is easy to identify with it and a negative emotion and then allow the mind to stew on it, and chew on it, and imagine it into the future.  Tell your mind to stop.  This is counterproductive, and there is a much better use of your brilliant mind than that!  When received the first of several emails about our tenants struggling with the rent, I acknowledged it, discussed it very briefly with my partner, accepted that this circumstance was happening in this moment, and then thought very little about it.

Ask: What are the things that come along with this temporary condition?  

In other words, are there more conditions that automatically flow from the first one?  Remember, part of Eckhart Tolle's description of surrender is "yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life."  So, what else (if anything) is flowing from this situation?  When I considered this, I understood that two more things were true in this moment:  I would have to pay the mortgage myself; also, my income will be lower this year. 

This is where it might pay to peel back the layers of the onion.  There were two things that flowed from the initial condition of my renters not being able to pay the rent: lower income this year and needing to pay the mortgage myself.  If I ask the same question about each of those conditions, "What flows from that?" and add "Is there any potential opportunity buried in there?"  Then I am transitioning from to the initial low feeling place into a higher one.   Raising my vibration with regards to this situation seems like a better way to emerge from it, doesn't it?  There is something inherently more hopeful about looking for a hidden nugget of gold among what appears to be a simple pile of trash.  So, let's see...

Analysis: What flows from paying the mortgage myself?

Well, the first thing that feels really good is that I have the money to make those mortgage payments.  That already lifts my overall emotional state.  But what flows beyond that?  These renters have lived in my property for a few years now, and prior to Covid-19, they'd only ever been late once, and never fully missed a payment.  Furthermore, based on the last inspection the management company performed, they take pretty good care of the place.  This all makes me think they're pretty likely to pay the back rent as per our agreement.  Also, I'm current on the mortgage and everything else.  So, as they increase their monthly rent payments in order to catch up, we'll start experiencing a bit of a windfall.  Money will feel like it's coming through the door more rapidly with nowhere it needs to be applied.  So, we'll have more cash and lots of options!  How great is that?  There seems to be an opportunity here!

Analysis:  What flows from having a lower income this year?

My renters are unlikely to pay this rent all back before the end of this tax year.  So, I can expect a lower tax bill this year as a direct result.  What flows from that?  Most years, I am making estimated quarterly tax payments because of that added rental income.  This year's loss of income means that I don't have to do that (as per the CPA).  I have also been splitting my retirement contributions in two different directions, in part because of the added rental income.

Quick Traditional Personal Finance Lesson:  At my place of employment I have some retirement account options that are traditional: 401k, TDA (tax-deferred annuity), and 457.  These are funded using pre-tax dollars.  If I fund one of these accounts it lowers my taxable income this year, which in turn lowers my tax bill this year.  So, a lot of people like to use this in order to help minimize their tax bills in the current year.  I also have Roth options: Roth 401k and Roth 457.  These are funded with money that I have already paid taxes on.  This means that they will grow tax-free.  Since the taxes were already paid, I won't be taxed when I pull the money out in retirement.  It's kind of like I prepaid the taxes for 70-something-year-old me.  I get super excited about my Roth accounts because they're such an incredible deal!

Currently, 20% of my income goes to retirement accounts at work: 13% into my Roth 401k and 7% into my TDA.  I greatly prefer the Roth 401k, but typically always have a tax bill as a result of the rental property.  So, one of the things I do to minimize it is to put use a traditional retirement account (my TDA) to make my taxable income lower, thus also lowering my tax bill a little.  This year, my tax bill will already be lower because of this situation with my renters.

Side Note:  I often refer to the mind as a drama queen, and suggest pushing it off to the side so as not to allow it to stew on things that you don't want to call into your experience.  I want to take a time out to point out to you that THIS is exactly the place to invite the mind back into the conversation.  This traditional personal finance information is exactly what the mind is designed for.  Your mind can learn it, organize it, sort it, and finally put it to really good use by helping you to apply the applicable parts to your current situation.  

Ask:  Do any of these things breed an internal desire?

This is where you get to the inspired action part!  Your mind did its part, and now you return to your intuition.  What do you feel inspired to do?

Paying the mortgage payment myself has greatly increased my desire to pay it off very quickly.  The urge is becoming tremendous!  I feel as though this is something that we will do within the next few years.  Furthermore, when this financial windfall comes (from the renters making larger payments to reconcile their balance), I have options:  throw it at the mortgage, further pad our savings account, max out our Roth IRAs, or possibly some bridge investing.  I will sit with these options until my intuition kicks in and I feel a sense of peace or inspiration hit me.  With regards to my income being lower this year, I feel really inspired to dial down the contributions on my traditional account (TDA) and ramp up the contributions on my Roth 401k while there's still time this tax year.

So, it seems that I have moved from a place of surrendering to a financial condition in my life to a place where I've found two inspired actions to take and am sitting with a few other options. What financial conditions are you experiencing in this moment?  Can you peel back the layers to find an inspired action that will propel you forward?

Inspired Action & Becoming Unstuck

The year 2020 has been filled with terror and heartbreak.  It's been wild because it appears that almost everyone is constantly surrounded by it in some form or another.  It's not even just the select few.  It's everywhere.  I know people that have been struggling to pay their rent; lost their jobs; been hospitalized with COVID.  They're feeling paralyzed because of the resistance they're experiencing.

This temporary paralysis is normal.  It's a reaction to fear and confusion.  When things go wrong, resistance will automatically pop up.  Eckhart Tolle stated simply that "Resistance is the mind."  The mind has a tendency to identify with the thing that went wrong.  If we lose a job, it tells us that we "are" jobless.  If it causes us to deplete our savings account or charge up a credit card, it says that we "are" broke.

Stop the Racing Mind

The first step is to stop and recognize the racing mind.  Watch it.  It's very difficult for the mind to keep going if you call attention to what it's doing.  

Accept the Moment

Despite what rhetoric your mind is feeding you, you are not a broken person.  You may not like the current state of your credit card debt.  You might not like the size of your bank account.  You might have been furloughed or even lost your job entirely.  This situation is temporary.  It's like wearing a sweater.  At this moment you are wearing a sweater.  The sweater is not your identity.  If you can somehow manage to accept that this situation is a momentary blip within the span of your life you can accomplish something powerful.  You can disassociate from it; remove it from your identity.  Some people spend their whole lives identifying as "poor" or "broke" or "indebted."  The moment you separate these things from your identity is the moment you regain your power.  

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle uses an example about a person being stuck in the mud.  He goes on to point out that you wouldn't just resign yourself to being stuck in the mud.  Now what you would do, is recognize that you are temporarily stuck in the mud.  You would also probably recognize that you don't really want to be there.  Where are you now?  Are you somewhere that you'd rather not be?  Have you found yourself running from a mountain of debt?  Working in job that you don't like?  Just recognize that you are in this place at this moment in time.  Don't judge it.  If you judge it you create resistance.  It is only from accepting the fact that you are in this place can you make a plan to get out of it.

Inspired Action

Once you recognize where you are currently; accept that it is your temporary truth, and cease to judge it, you should feel much freer.  Once this feeling of liberation comes, it will open the door of inspiration.  You likely will find yourself have little ideas coming into your mind; little inspirations if you will.  They will poke at you and prod you until you find yourself compelled to act on them.  It won't even really feel like hard work because you will really want to be doing the action.  There will be something that inspires you to do it.  This is inspired action.

I have historically had a tumultuous relationship with full-time employment.  Until the age of 28, I had only had part-time positions.  I would have multiple jobs at once, but none of them were full time.  I loved the variety and freedom.  At the age of 28, I became inspired to apply for (and accept) a full-time job.  Literally one month later, in 2008, the stock market crashed.  I was so grateful to myself because I listened to this little voice that inspired me to become employed on a full-time basis.  In fact, while I've changed companies, states, and positions, I have worked full time pretty much ever since.  In recent years, I've really started longing for the freedom I felt when I worked on a more part-time basis.  When you notice these kinds of feelings, you are standing at a fork in the road.  One path leads to misery.  That is the path of judgment and identification with the situation.  The other path is the one I choose.  I watch the feeling.  By recognizing it, I stop the mind from racing.  I accept that in this season of life, this is what I am doing.  It is not who I am.  It is my current circumstance, and it is what is happening now.  In doing this, I have already set myself free.  I can literally enjoy every day because I know that I am here temporarily.  It's like my life is a cruise vacation.  I am at this port for a time, and then I will float on.  How wonderful is that?  Once, I moved myself into this mental space, such wonderful things started to happen for me.  

I have been finding myself inspired to take a number of actions over the past few years.  I felt inspired to use the Roth 401K plan offered by my employer.  Every few months, I felt inspired to inch up my contribution rate.  I started at 5% and have wiggled it up to 20%.  I felt inspired to save money.  That one was so simple, but I just liked transferring money into our joint savings account as well as my solo account.  So, we keep doing that.  Now, we're prepared to go shopping for a Condo/Coop whenever we feel inspired to do so (haven't felt that quite yet, but we're prepared for it).  I felt inspired to create a plan to pay off our rental, and start my own business.  Both of these plans are underway.

When I step back and look at what my inspired actions have lead to, I realize that they lead me to hitting my CoastFI number in just over two years.  At that point, if I want to work part-time only again, I will.  What's even more beautiful is that I really love my life, even the parts that are difficult because I recognize that they are all temporary components.  Eckhart Tolle spoke about realizing that you're stuck in the mud.  I can't help but wonder if we might really come to appreciate the mud once we realize that it's only temporary.

The real question is: Where are you right now?  Can you work through this process to find your ultimate freedom?

 

Couples and Money: Building a Joint Relationship with Money

Part of using Law of Attraction to improve our financial lives lies in the act of evaluating how individual actions make us feel. I utilize an emotional scale, like a thermometer that takes my emotional temperature upon completion of certain activities.  This tool provides me with insight as to which actions are flowing for me, and which ones cause resistance.  This analysis establishes a baseline from which growth can occur.  Only upon establishing this baseline can we begin the journey of enhancing our own relationship with money, allowing abundance to flow more freely into our experience.  But how does this work when operating as a couple?

Establish A Baseline:

Managing finances as a couple is complicated because we each come to the table with our own money story, which results in a variety of strengths and resistances.  The first step is to establish a baseline as an individual.  Both individuals should use the emotional scale to track how they feel when performing certain tasks of a financial nature.  Some examples might include paying a bill, purchasing groceries, paying the mortgage or rent, transferring money into a savings or investment account, reading a statement, or buying something recreationally.  Ideally, each person in the partnership tracks a similar (if not identical) activity.  Only once each person has taken the time to track their feelings individually, should they discuss their findings.  

Discussion:

It's important to realize that a discussion about how individuals feel when they track certain financial activities requires vulnerability and simultaneously compassion.  No one is right.  No one is wrong.  The goal is to move both individuals up the emotional scale, into positive territory, where financial activities are concerned.  Going down the list of activities you tracked, compare, and contrast experiences with your partner.  Are there certain things that you feel similarly about? 

My partner and I both have positive experiences with saving money.  When she transfers money into either our joint savings or her individual one, she experiences empowerment.  When I perform the same action, I experience joy.  While these are two different emotions, they are relatively close, and both have a high and positive rating on the emotion scale.  They are both "north of neutral" so to speak.  In places where we are both having positive feelings about a financial activity, there is no real action that needs to be taken.  It is important, however, to note these things because they can be used as leverage to help in other areas. 

Look for places where you experience the same (or similar) action differently.  Is there a place where one of you has a positive emotion, but one of you has a negative one?  Zoom in on those items.  Remember, right and wrong don't live here.  

In doing this work, my partner and I realized some time ago that we had very different experiences when it came to paying bills.  When I pay bills, I feel empowered.  This is a really high ranking emotion on the emotional scale (side note: if you type "emotional scale" into any search engine you will find a plethora of beautiful visual images that can help you).  As soon as I get paid, I want to immediately pay the bills because it makes me feel empowered to have them taken care of and paid in full.  

At this point, my partner has a positive association with bill paying, but that wasn't always the case.  For her, the act of paying bills used to trigger the feeling of insecurity.  This insecurity relates to her money story.  Historically, in the past, she did not have credit or savings.  If she paid all of the bills immediately, leaving her only $10 sitting in her checking account, she might not have the money to deal with something that pops up. The residue of that previous experience caused a behavior pattern.  She felt more secure with the money literally sitting there until as close to the next payday as possible.  

Now, where does this difference create relational issues?  If the same action (paying bills) that makes me feel empowered, makes her feel insecure, that's a problem.  I'm rushing to get the bills paid so that I can feel empowered, and literally setting her up to feel insecure.  Looking at it from the opposing angle is interesting as well.  If she delays paying bills in order to be on the positive side of the emotional scale (because it makes her feel serene), then I feel a slew of negative emotions: judgmental, insecure, and impatient.  Then I look at her and wonder "why is she dragging her feet on this?"  Next stop?  Conflict.  What's even worse?  It's a lose-lose situation because we weren't on the same page.  Nobody was right, and everyone loses!  Sounds like a terrible game to play, right?

Analysis into Action:

How do we get on the same page?  Logic would suggest that we just pay the bills right away.  If we choose that action, is there some way we can use the information that we collected to move her up the emotional scale when that action is taken?  It turns out, that there is a way!  Two ways in fact!

1.  Eliminate the source of the negative feeling.

If we really dig into this, we can see that it isn't really the bill payments that created her feeling of insecurity.  This feeling came from not having money in her checking account.  After some discussion, we discovered that she always felt safe when there was at least $100 in her checking account.  It seemed mind-blowingly simple.  If we literally pad our checking account by an extra $100 that literally just sits there, my partner avoids a whole slew of negative emotions.  For the low, low cost of $100, we just eliminated the source of the negative emotion in the first place.

2.  Use a feel-good action as leverage.

Do you remember how at the beginning I described for you one of the financial actions that created really high-level positive emotions for both of us?  We both felt really good about transferring money into savings.  She felt empowered.  I felt joy. We decided to borrow some of the high-vibes from this feel-good activity and lend it to the act of paying bills.  At our money meeting, after payday, we immediately take care of any bills that are not on autopayment. After we've done that, we get to push our favorite button, the one to transfer money into the savings account!  Then we both look at the new balance and marvel about how it's never been that high before.  Frankly, we're both too busy feeling good to be bothered about the fact that the electric company just got a share of our paychecks.

It might seem like the solution to an issue we had in the past was ridiculously simple.  In fact, it is simple, but I don't believe we were going to find our way out of it using purely logic.  By using the emotional scale and caring enough about each other's ability to feel good when interacting with our finances, we have not only been able to get on the same page, but also to avoid conflict, and most importantly, build and enhance our joint relationship with our finances.

Couples and Money: The Law of Fellowship & Getting on Board

There's a 1950's Americana perspective of personal finance that highlights an image of Dad going out to "bring home the bacon," while Mom stayed home, tending to all things related to children and the home.  Dad was seen as the person that handled the family finances, taking charge of debt repayments, savings, investing, and the like.  Mom's contribution would entail frugality and matters of "home economics."  From this era sprung generations of adults with disconnected views of how money should operate within their relationships. Perhaps in some cases, the roles have reversed with Mom being the clever one with money, and Dad staying out of her way.  Regardless, the theme remains one of disconnection.

I've been with my partner for more than 13 years, and our relationship with money started off in a similar boat.  I was knowledgeable, focused, and determined when it came to our finances, and she was happy to stay out of my way.  In all actuality, she was much less committed to our finances, with the saving grace being that she was at least mildly afraid of doing something with our finances that would upset me. Unfortunately, "being afraid of making a mistake" was also a poor setup, as it already established a pattern of resistance that had taken hold inside of her own relationship with money.  As much as we'd like to, we can't force our partners to be willing to work on their relationship with money.  This has to be something they come to on their own.  What we can do is help them to get there.  We can play a critical role in discovering the "why."

The Law of Fellowship suggests that when two or more people of a similar vibration come together for a shared purpose, their combined energy will be doubled, tripled, or even quadrupled when directed at the attainment of that shared goal. This universal law is used in covens, churches, meditation groups, and yes, even personal finance.  I'm sure you've read stories about how some family of four paid off some insane amount of debt in a super short period of time, or how a couple in their thirties somehow managed to quit their job and travel full time. This didn't happen by accident.  This is a prime example of the power of the Law of Fellowship.  These examples show the power of having a unified vision.

Now, I'm sure a number of you are ready to run into the other room and yell at your partner that they need to "get on the same page" with you about money!  Don't do that!  It doesn't work, I've tried!  But all joking aside, naggings someone isn't an effective strategy if the goal is to get unified.  In fact, it's likely to cause more resistance to the idea than anything.  So what do you do?

Create A Shared Purpose:

I'm probably the only person I know that finds organizing debt payoff strategies, fun.   Most likely, your partner will not be enticed by the idea of simply eliminating a debt or have a savings account.  Those are the actions you want to inspire, but they aren't the inspiration itself if that makes sense.  You need something bigger.  You need a "why" that you both care enough about.  The first step to creating the sense of unity you desire, is to set up a "Dreaming Date."  We have dream dates periodically.  Often times, we have a "living room happy hour" where we pour a glass of wine, have no television on, nothing to distract us, and just talk.  We talk about our dreams.  No limits.  No plan.  This isn't the time for that.  There is no dream too big or too small.  You should plan to go first.  This is the moment to share your dreams fearlessly.  No judgment.  Don't stop yourself midway and announce to the room that you "know it isn't practical."  Just let it flow.  Let your partner jump in if they want to add to your dream.  This often happens; it's co-creating at it's finest.  Ask your partner what they would do if they had no limitations.  I can tell you that at ours we say things like "I want to own a van, and use it to travel across the U.S. and Canada." We might also say "I want to be able to work from anywhere, so we can travel the world."  Everything is fair game. You see, the "Dreaming Date" isn't the place to talk strategy or to develop an action plan.  It's the place to co-create a vision for your future.  The action plan will come later.  

Inspired Action:

The "Dreaming Date" should have you both feeling really good, and that's a good time to say "How can we make some of this happen?"  You may be inspired to start working on one or two of these ideas immediately, or you might find yourselves drawn to several smaller actions that build in the direction of something you discussed.  If you are both drawn to the larger purpose, you will find yourselves inspired to do certain things that build toward it.  The truth is I'm not entirely sure I can tell you the precise moment my partner "got on board," but she did.  I started to notice that I was no longer working alone somewhere after we decided that we wanted to buy our own house.  Something that had come from our dreaming together was a shared desire to live in a home that we owned.  That shared desire inspired her to want to be a part of creating that situation for us.

The Monthly Money Meeting:

Once or twice a month, we have a "Money Meeting."  We make it really nice.  Sometimes we have coffee or tea, some mellow music, but no distractions.  My partner pulls out the pretty little book she uses to document her financial life.  It really is beautiful, and I think somehow that adds to the feeling that this meeting is a time for us to co-create our financial lives for the month.  We have joint accounts, as well as separate ones.  Having her very own savings account that was all hers was instrumental in her transformation into someone that has a positive relationship with money. Her resolve grew as she was able to see small successes along the way, and these Monthly Money Meetings can help with that.  These money meetings are used to give us permission to do things with our money that we really want.  That makes this an exciting time, not "the dreaded bill payday."  Most of our bills are on autopilot, so there's not much to say about that.  

She might say "I went through my credit card.  We put $500 on it for the car rental, gas, and food for that little trip we took.  We also put $200 in grocery delivery on it.  So, I'm transferring $200 from our joint checking to take care of the grocery portion.  I also transferred $50 into the savings for health expenses."

Then, I will add "Okay, I am transferring $500 from the vacation account into joint checking.  You can take that for your credit card too.  I've already transferred our usual amount into the joint savings."

We both get to speak in the manner in which we use our money.  She might suggest that we save even more this month toward a goal, or we might discuss that I've been seriously craving Thai food and that we want to plan for take-out this weekend.  My partner and I have both reached new highs in our individual savings accounts as well as our joint one.  In part, this is due to our ability to work together in organizing our finances at these meetings.  

I must say, my relationship with my partner has probably never been stronger, and her relationship with money has never been stronger.  When I spoke to her about writing this piece, I wanted to know what changed for her. She told me "I had to have a vision, and I had to see my progress."

Fear and Money

Since I received word about the passing of one of my heroes, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I've bounced between denial, devastation, and fear.  I'm a woman that believes in having the right to choose my own path. I am a bisexual that believes I am beautiful just the way I am and that I have the right to be just like everyone else.  That's where the fear creeps in.  My mind likes to play tricks on me, whispering things like "There go your choices... one by one they'll be stripped away."  I chase away the thought, knowing that it doesn't lead to anywhere I want to be.  

This isn't the first time I've experienced fear recently.  I really didn't expect to be forced to teach inside of an actual classroom in the middle of a pandemic.  Frankly, if I really stop and think about it, I experience fear in that scenario as well.  Again, I chase the thought out of my mind.  Allowing myself to stay in a state of fear doesn't attract anything good into my life.  

How do I deal with fear?

Step 1:  Observe your own fear(s)

Rather than allowing my thoughts to keep bringing fear into my experience, it seems like I could put my mind to better use in evaluating the fear itself.  Eckhart Tolle talks a lot about being the ultimate observer of our own feelings as to temper their ability to run wild and cause us unnecessary problems. It feels as if you're outside of yourself, simply watching.  As I observe my own fear, I can't help but notice that the common denominator is the feeling that I will be somehow unsafe in my current environment.

Step 2: Identify any Common Denominators/Sources of Resistance

Upon observing my own feelings, and realizing that "feeling safe/unsafe in my environment" is the common theme and source of resistance that I'm experiencing, I consider, what is the path of least resistance?  In other words, what can I imagine doing that makes me feel better than that?  

Step 3: Consider Actions that Could Move Up the Emotional Scale

With regards to work, I could quit.  I could continue to report to the building and work with other activists to promote a return to remote learning until it's safe.  Lastly, I could apply for a remote accommodation.  Regarding my concerns about the future of the society in which I live, I could stay and fight, or I could move.  Honestly, all of those choices feel considerably better than wallowing in fear.  It also seems like I will bring more light into my life by focusing on the things I might want to choose, and the beautiful thing is that I do get to choose. I might not stay in the building where I work, and I might not continue to live where I always expected I would.

How can my financial plan help maximize my ability to make these choices?

We're just over two years away from being CoastFI, a monumental stop on the journey toward Financial Independence (Full FI).  In two and a half years, I will be vested (meaning I will have secured a pension), and we plan to have our rental property paid off.  These two things, plus the additional 401k, 457, and Roth IRA savings we have will be enough to modestly support us in our traditional retirement, and that assumes that we don't put any more money in retirement accounts (which is unlikely).  The paid off rental property generates enough income to replace almost 50% of my take-home pay.  This could allow me to work part-time if we stay here.  It could also be enough income to allow us entry into another country under a variation of a "pensioner visa" in a number of places.  Will we choose that path?  I don't know, but I do know that I feel powerful having the choice.

I am also in the process of launching a business that will allow us a lot of location freedom, making us at least in part "digital nomads" if we so choose.  A very conservative estimation of the first year of that business suggests that it could replace another 25% of my current take-home pay, with unlimited growth potential once, I am able to take it from "side business" to "primary focus."

Am I grappling with the fear of going back into a physical school building on Monday?  Absolutely.  I am going to focus on moving myself up the emotional scale by doing everything in my own power to advocate for myself, my colleagues, and my students not being in that situation.  Am I legitimately concerned about the direction my country could take? Yes.  The best case scenario is that it all turns out well (by my definition).  If it doesn't turn out well, it'll take a bit of time for those changes to take effect.  So, it is apparent to me that my immediate future plan doesn't really need to change.  We can just keep our eye on the ball.  

As for the distant future?  I always suspected that my partner and I would remain in New York City to retire, or potentially end up on the West Coast again.  While this fear has diminished a bit, it has taught me that we might want to open our minds to other locational possibilities, and in the meantime, continue to pave our own paths to the freedom we desire.

Experiencing Contrast and Coasting to Coast-FI

Everything happening with the reopening of schools has created some serious internal conflict in my life.  Let's be fair, it has created some serious conflict in the lives of many.  In Law of Attraction terms, this inner conflict is also known as resistance.  I am experiencing some resistance.  I have been contractually obligated to return to the building to teach in person.  I care very deeply about my students, colleagues, and administrators, but I also feel that returning to in-person instruction is unsafe.  This is the essence of my conflict, and I am realizing that it is a very important source of contrast in my life.

What is contrast?

In its simplest terms, it's internal conflict.  The term "contrast" is perhaps a bit more specific though because contrast is the distance between where I am, and where I would prefer to be.

Why is contrast important?

The most beautiful thing about contrast is that it highlights that which we truly want.  If everything always felt smooth, we wouldn't have reason to change direction or become inspired to take a new action.  When I look around, and see something that I am unhappy with or feel conflicted over, I understand that it is something that I need to look at further.  It might be indicating to me that there is something I want to do.

Where I am currently: I am obligated to perform my work in a way that doesn't feel good to me because, under this very specific circumstance (not pre-pandemic), it feels unsafe to me.

Where I want to be:  I want to have more freedom of choice.  Simple as that.  

What does this mean?

I would love to move my instruction to virtual space right now, rather than physical.  That might be a temporary desire on my part, but the point is that I would like to have a freedom that doesn't exist in the current circumstance.  Since there is such a distance between where I am currently, and where I would like to be, it begs the question:  How do I get to a place where I have that kind of freedom?

As I've explored this contrast, I've realized that I will probably learn more things about what I really want, and what it is showing me over the coming weeks.  As of right now, it keeps making me think about my finances and an article I read that was written by my friend, Jess of the Fioneers.  

In short, Jess was talking about the concept of Coast-FI, and how it is not only a stop along the journey toward full FI, but also fits in with the Slow-FI movement.  

Let's pause for a quick tutorial.  In case you don't recall, FI stands for "financial independence."  This is the point at which you are no longer required to earn money from working because you have enough income from passive sources to sustain yourself.  Slow-FI, refers to people that are pursuing FI, but also taking their time and using incremental gains in order to improve upon some aspects of their life along the way.  Once you've achieved Coast-FI, it means that you have secured enough money to fund a traditional retirement, and no longer need to be saving toward that goal. At that point, you only need to earn enough money to support your current needs.  

As I read her post and started playing with her groovy little Coast-FI calculator, I realized that we're only a bit over two years away from achieving Coast-FI.  The truth is that this information wasn't really news to me, but somehow the combination of the piece she'd written (and calculator) opened my mind into seeing it a different way.  I realized that as soon as I am confident that 70-year-old me is financially secure, I can stop splitting my focus between "retirement me" and "current me."  The realization that I was such a short period of time away from having my retirement locked in, made a wave of peace and inspiration wash over me.  It's that feeling that helps me to know that I am on the right track.  We don't really have to change our plan of action all that much to become Coast-FI in a couple of years.  Essentially, we can just coast our way there, and focus our attention on developing our lives in the way that we want them along the way.

There may be more to glean from the contrast I am currently experiencing, and it hasn't just suddenly disappeared, but I feel confident that it's directing me on my Slow-FI journey as we coast into Coast-FI.